As for Me and My House.

GOOD Book Alert:

I started reading “As for Me and My House” by Walt Wangerin.

If you have not read it, I suggest you buy it right now and read it.

It, over the last few weeks, has been extremely helpful in thinking through how to craft a marriage that is mutually beneficial and helps each person flourish. It is practical in that it gives clear prose on marriage and the bible, but also enjoyable in that it tracks the marriage of the author and his wife. 

Enjoy!

Lora

Sex: Of Love and Desire.

Ok – back to sex. Mostly because it gets me a lot of hits on my blog…

But to be serious – I made a discovery the other day.

We have a major confusion between desire and love.

I mix them up all the time. Orange juice is a good example of this.

I say something like: I LOVEEEEEEEEEE ORANGE JUICE! Very robust in my expression, but what I really mean is – I have a strong, abiding desire for orange juice. Do I have a strong abiding desire for my husband? And if I have that inkling – do I act on it, and go get myself a glass of Orange Juice, even if I have to drive to the grocery store, stand in line and purchase a new jug?

This might seem like semantics, but I think its an important distinction, because I think a lot of women LOVE their husbands, but very often do not DESIRE them – as in, have a strong, abiding want for sexual intimacy. But if you ask, of course they love them! I can count myself in this group sometimes – and it’s a hard place to be. Because, when love is so often convoluted, we’re confused as to what we are missing, what we ought to be seeking to cultivate, what we should be praying and asking God to give us.

And I believe, or at least what I’ve discovered, is that DESIRE is something that requires kindling. It requires prayer and thoughtfulness. See, if I forget the qualities that I like about Orange Juice, then I might at some point stop wanting it. (Not to compare sex to wanting Orange Juice.. but for benign example’s sake…) Desire is a cultivated good – that seeks to remind ourselves amidst everything tumultuous that one can feel, of the good and beautiful things, and that it is a stocked full of Calcium and Vitamin C!

Anyway –  love to hear some thoughts on this. Still treking through year one marriage!

Love,

Lora

Of Marriage and Women.

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.  I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.  ~Jerry Hall

Ever feel like you’re not a “real” woman?

There is a woman out there, at least a concept of a woman, whose center is so secure, whose confidence is so brilliant and yet whose humility in Christ is her sole allegiance, that the roles laid out for her to play by conventional society seem trite, silly and ridiculously undignified; and she has no problem requiring more of herself and her company, no problem denying the ego-centric momentary affections of man for the greater goal of dignity and a future-oriented covenantal relationship or a life of purpose-driven singleness. Either way – her goal is bigger than herself and grounded in submission to Christ.

Most of the time, I feel like I ride the fine line between hooker and biach – between strength and passivity, pleasing and contempt and play the various roles asserted to woman in movies like “The Ugly Truth” or “The Last Kiss” or “The Proposal” and really want to be Mandy Moore in “A Walk to Remember” or Rachel McAdams in “The Notebook” – but that requires too much effort – or even, Maria in “The Sound of Music”, Elisabeth in “Pride and Prejudice” or Anne from “Anne of Green Gables.”

There are many a heroine from which to choose, and their behaviors that we implement or view as excellent, affect how we see ourselves, relationships, God and the church.

So I want to look at how marriage is viewed and how this impacts our notions of feminity and masculinity – and therefore how we engage each other (both male and female), and how the church and God speak to all of these ideas.

 To give a grand understanding of the negativity of marriage, here are a few quotes I’ve found on the subject:

 

• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.  ~François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld
   
• Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?  Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.  Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.  ~Author Unknown
   
• Why get married?  For human beings, marriage is such an unnatural state.  If you want monogamy, it has been said, you should marry a swan.  ~Quentin Crisp, “The Art of Celibacy”
   
• Marriage:  A word which should be pronounced “mirage.”  ~Herbert Spencer
   
• Originally marriage meant the sale of a woman by one man to another; now most women sell themselves though they have no intention of delivering the goods listed in the bill of sale.  ~Robert Graves
   
• People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images.  The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is.  ~James L. Framo, “Explorations in Marital & Family Therapy”
   
• The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.  ~Bertrand Russell, Marriage and Morals
   
• Wedding rings:  the world’s smallest handcuffs.  ~Author Unknown
   
• God created sex.  Priests created marriage.  ~Voltaire
   
• Monogamy is over-rated. -  Seirra Miller
   
• I don’t believe in monogamy. Human beings are not monogamous creatures by nature. – Scarlett Johansson. 

 

These are just a few of the mentalities floating around. I’ve heard some of them before in plain conversation, felt some of them in my bones – the fear or the possible reality of such dysfunction. I hear it now in conversation with girlfriends, with wives, with various guys with whom I talk, on television, in magazines and in the movies.

I am beginning to think about what makes a woman beautiful, what makes a woman real, feminine, and Godly. There are so many enormous pressures to achieve certain righteous goals, as if we can be self-righteous in our womanhood, as if to say that, like salvation, true femininity is an act of the will rather than the Grace of God. And to move beyond that and to say, that marriage or singleness is an act of the will, rather than the grace of a Creator God.

Why Talk About Marriage and Women?

I think our conception of marriage and singlesness hinges A LOT (not totally) on our conception of who we are as woman, who we think are supposed to be, how we think we are supposed to behave, and how we think we ought to go about choosing a spouse and accepting a call to marriage, or choosing singleness and accepting that call, as well.

And, also, our conception of femininity is tied, in part, to how we view marriage, relationships, sex. So much of the identity of woman is in relation to men or other women. Our obsession with looks, behavior, clothes, mannerisms, sexuality is all directed toward the outside – what does this look like to other people? Am I prettier than her, how do I compare in the line-up with models or porn-stars? Will he find me attractive, weird, awkward? Am I lovable? Am I beautiful? Will I be cherished? Is my value determined by whether I’m in a relationship or not? 

There must be a goal to all of our striving as women to achieve and maintain a standard of “beauty”, to act flirtatious or conversely, to set men straight. 

So – I’m going to be looking at the verses in Ephesians 15 and at the Proverbs 31 section on “A Wife of Nobel Character”.

Also, using a few other sources that have peeked my interest, thanks to this awesome lady Rose.

For now – what is femininity to you? How have you seen marriage viewed in culture? What pressures do you feel as a woman, either single or married? 

Sex: Any Thoughts?

I’m a collector. I collect ideas, thoughts, roll them around, try to polish them, make connections and from there deduce new ideas. I love new insight. My favorite thing to do is to sit with someone and listen to them talk about their thoughts on subject A or B or something like that. 

So, I’m looking for thoughts on sex, sexuality, the culture, your experiences -

• how do you think about sexuality?
• What helps you understand sex and the gospel?
• What are your hang-ups? What books have helped you? 

Thoughts?

Lora

Sex: What I’ve Learned.

Probably it’s odd to have so many posts on sex – who knows. In an effort to drop-kick shame, however, I find it important to go ahead and talk about it/write about it.

Before Eric and I got married we asked a lot of questions about marriage – one question that was particularly insightful was this:

Eric: So – tell me one thing that you thought would be easy but has turned out to be more difficult?

Couple A, D, F and so on: Sex.

Of course neither of us were expecting that answer. I figured it’d be something like – communication, or cleaning, or finding time to hang out or financial decisions… but the answer astoundingly was sex.

It seems to me that this says something about where we should be investing research, prayer, time and conversation – at least to some extent – should be about sex.

So, here are a few things I’ve learned on this new quest for knowledge, intimacy, enjoyment and worship:

1. Sex was created to be good – for both men and women.

2. God ordered sex at the very beginning. It is clearly important and creational.

3. We (that is the collective group of humanity) have a very screwed up perception of what sex should be.

4. Our screwed up perception causes all sorts of dysfunction within and without marriage.

5. Sex is primarily an act of love.

6. Love is defined in Corinthians 13 and ought to be within the context of how God loved us -which is unselfishly, giving of himself for our good.

7. Contrary to popular opinion, media, magazines and books – REAL SEX is made for marriage, and real sex can be defined only with in a covenant, exclusive, legal binding – for the sake of love, flourishing, sanctification and trust, and if God ordains – children.

8. Orgasm is not the primary goal of sex. The primary goal of good sex is to love each other, to get to know each other, to bask in the thrill of caring for the other person.

9.  The beauty, enjoyment and pleasure of a sexual relationship with your spouse is cultivated over time – getting to know each other’s needs – emotionally, mentally, and physically, cultivating a lens of compassion and care for the other person.

10. Cultivating a disposition of trust toward God and your spouse is crucial.

11. Speaking openly and honestly about your feelings, your fears, your reservations is utterly important.

12. Seeking wise counsel to help you sort through fears, frustrations, – be they mental or physiological – is necessary and important for perseverance and gaining wisdom and cultivating a glorious and selfless sexual life with your spouse.

13. Relationships are meant to be both private and corporate, that is shalom – the hebrew word for PEACE as in the redemption of all things – is a corporate act, and therefore as people we are meant to be in community working these things out over time with wisdom, discernment and care.

So, that’s all for now. I probably will post more stuff from time to time – but as a general thought, work at this, read about it, be concern with it, make it important to understand yourself and your spouse and your friends – as gendered creatures with particular sexual understandings that DO impact everything.

Sex: They Felt No Shame.

3. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

How many of you feel ashamed of your body just by itself? Now, in the context of being naked in front someone of the opposite sex?

There’s some hidden birth mark across your stomach – way unsexi (not really)! Or, like me, you struggle with acne.  

• In 6th grade, a boy yelled “Hey Fro-Head!” at me from the bus because my hair was short and fluffy.

• I was desperate to look like a woman when I was in 3rd grade, so I stuffed SOCKS in a sports bra. Talk about lumpy!

• Some guy tried to feel me up during a movie (The Mummy!) in 9th grade. I crossed my legs – he told the whole school. I got called slut and/or prude, depending on how the gossip mill turned the story. Very shameful. Very puzzling. 
   
• In 10th grade, my best friend asked me if I was a virgin. I said, “Yes.” She laughed and said, “Well, I guess I’m way ahead of you then. Can’t you get any?”

Sex: Bone of Bone – Flesh of Flesh.

Much of my thinking depends upon the belief that human beings are coherent creatures.

What we do with our bodies is intergrally related to what is developing in our minds, our emotions,

and the innermost core that is truly who we are – our spirits and souls.

Also, I am convinced – by logic, experience, history and faith – that the truths of Christianity include accurate, workable, and delightful visions and guidelines for human sexuality.
 

-Marva Dawn, Sexual Character

Sex: A Christian Practice: Resources.

As I’m thinking about this – I want to throw out some resources that have been helpful to me while trying to untangle my head and drive out so many bad ideas about sexuality and Christianity.

1. Real Sex - by Lauren Winner

2. Marriage Series – by Tim Keller

3. Sexual Character - Marva Dawn

4. Passion and Purity – Elisabeth Elliot

5. Christ and Culture - Richard Niebuhr

6. A Severe Mercy – Sheldon Vanauken

7. Sheet Music – Dr. Kevin Leman

8. A Celebration of Discipline – Richard Foster

Now – all of these books I have read and picked through over the past 2 or so years. Some of them have been out of true interest, others out of strange curiosity and some purely out of the necessity to understand myself and other people better.

As I consider these things, I’ve realized that the first thing I had to do was put aside my conception of sexuality (because it wasn’t working) and look to Christ to help remake it for me.

It’s still in the process of being remade, and there are things I probably haven’t even realized that I believe about sexuality that are untrue. But like anything else – we must, as believers, pursue truth and find her no matter how hidden she becomes.

So – that’s the start.

Lora