Dads: Paper Dolls.

We had a chocolate, tan and white rug that lay in the middle of the floor right in between the TV and the couch. It was a cushy rug in which you could, if you were  a child, immerse almost 1/2 of your finger. I used to push all of my fingers into the rug and make several indentions, draw a smilie face, write my name – it was a malleable rug.

My dad is wonderful with small children. He has a perfect sense of how to capture, enlighten and draw out the essence of a child’s imagination.

Dolly Dingle came to visit my house when I was probably 6. I can say, pretty clearly, that I was 6 because I cut all of my hair off in Kindergarten and was accused of looking like a boy.

Dolly Dingle came in a 20-30 page book, and she had many friends, parents, some pets and about 15 outfits. She also had hats and shoes.

Dad and I had a day together, and I introduced him to Dolly Dingle. When Dad met her, she was just a little girl wearing what any paper doll wears – some odd looking 1920’s bloomers and a tank-top.

I sat there, on the rug, and asked Dad if he would help me cut out the paper dolls so I could play with them. My 6 yr old fingers weren’t precise, and I had a tendency to accidently snip the folds that were supposed to keep the hats and dresses on.

Dad sat there with me; he trimmed and snipped and chatted with me about Dolly Dingle and what she was up to.

When we finished – we had cut out the entire 20-30 page book – every outfit, every pet, neighbor, parents and hat. Dad cut out her name, and we picked out an outfit for Dolly (in all of her various positions). We dressed every one of them, and we stuffed them into the rug.

They all stood up – the entire Dolly Dingle community – ready for the festivities of play time with a dad and his daughter.

My dad didn’t have a son to play football with, but regardless – he cut out all of his daughter’s paper dolls and played make-believe with her until she was satisfied.

Lora

The Baby Blog.

For a short and sweet – very concise and random assortment of peppy pregger information – please check out the baby blog:

www.kelleybaby.wordpress.com

Beware, the word placenta might be used.

-Lora

Honestly…?

I think I have a problem with “honesty.”

I find that there are too many selves to which I want to be authentic.

There is:

• the “Be tough, you can do this, Lora!” self,
• the “intellect and reading will get me through this” self,
• the “ahhhh, I am so vulnerable and over-whelmed” self,
• the “Just make everyone happy” self,
• the “Hair is good, lipstick is right, – did I tell you that I’m awesome?” self
• the “cannot disappoint people” self (which might closely related to make everyone happy self)
• the “I am a loner” self
• the “I love people! Give me more friends, please!” self

Either way – all of these selves are an authentic, at least in some way, representation of me. And yet, divided into categories and actually existing in reality – they are fairly dishonest.

On the one hand – intellect and reading is helpful, but on the other hand, I feel completely lost and vulnerable. And I am never quite sure how to reconcile all of these different ways  of being – into a person that is fraught with dignity, wisdom and yet is completely stable in her emotional sensibilities.

Pregnancy is a lonely thing. Sure, there are other people who have experienced it – so it’s not as if there isn’t a companion with which to commiserate to be found, but when you break it down, in marriage or outside of it even, as the pregnant one – you are quite alone.

It’s impossibly hard to describe, everyone’s experience is different, and the spiritual mystery of life growing within you is – well, incredibly frightening, at least for me.

I’m sure I have deluded myself into thinking that I have any semblance of control over my own self or other people – but, when it boils down to it, I will be introducing another being into the world over which I have about 0 % control. He or she will be a totally different, not pre-existing, new new new new person. A NEW PERSON.

So, in this, I cannot figure out what I am supposed to be feeling. I mean, I’d like to shoot for what I’m “supposed to” be feeling. But, even if there was a recipe – I’m not sure the estrogen would grant me access to it.

I feel this strange alienation from the person I used to be, and I haven’t even really changed yet – but the knowledge growing (now the size of peach) within me had made everything different somehow. I feel paralyzed to know what to do in this waiting pattern before he/she actually makes her existance tangible.

I think, perhaps, what I realized as I just rambled on here – is that I strive for what I think I’m “supposed to be”  -feeling, thinking, doing, …. And perhaps, I just ought to feel, think, and do.  Most of the time, I never feel like I’m actually doing what I’m “supposed to be” doing. Not sure. These are new thoughts.

Oh, pregnancy – beautiful and formidable.

A Woman’s Work.

Do you ever feel like there is a work that is particularly woman?
OR
That there is a thought out there (or many thoughts) about what YOUR work as a woman ought to look like?

I thrive on conversation that produces new thoughts. I actually enjoy it more than chocolate or massages (though, both good and delicious things). And, as I am moving toward motherhood, I have begun to realize how many conversations circulate about what women can or cannot do/should or should not do/want to do and don’t want to do – and how their identity is shaped by all of these conversations, expectations and pressures.

So, here are 3 tid-bits I gleaned this week, nuggets to chew on and process, from very wise and interesting women and men:

1. A quote:

“I don’t want to be told I cannot do this because I am a woman or I have to do this because I am a woman.“

Is this something that strikes you?

2. The Tripod of Creational Relationship:

As a man, you can think of yourself in terms of various roles and none of them are mutually exclusive. For example, if you are a businessman, you may also be a husband, and you may also be a father. 

It is the potential tripod of relationship on which you stand. All are considered equally important, valuable and good. Of course you may be a husband and a businessman, or janitor, or pastor or painter. Why would being a husband exclude your vocational calling?

Of course you may also be a father and a musician, photographer, CEO or DJ. You may run construction, or teach swimming lessons, be a professor or a therapist. 

It is understood, for men, that there is a trifecta of relationship that is acceptable, if not expected. Husband, Father, Vocation.

For women, however, we tend to understand ourselves in terms of a relational bi-pod or monopod. It looks something like this.

• Vocation.
• Wife and Vocation.
• Wife and mother.

Mother and vocation are interchangeable and almost a synonymous. Your motherhood IS your vocation. 

Do you ever feel like this? Does this ring true to you? Do you feel pressure to either accept or deny this? What are your thoughts on the roles available to women?

3. A Creational Illustration – The Image of God:

There are two ways to conceive of the image of God.

1. Only man and woman in unity fully image God.
2. Each individual fully images God.

I can see both sides to this idea, but for the sake of argument I will say this:

First, The name of image-bearer was given in the midst of gender distinction, but not divided by this distinction. It says he created “man” as the whole in his own image. And moves to state that male and female are in his image.

Secondly, we must consider that an individual reflects the image of God with as much importance and celebrated dignity as the unity of male and female.

Lastly, it is important not to divide God’s image into particular characteristics – these are the feminine parts of God, these are the masculine parts of God.

Why does this matter?

Because the creational mandate prior to the fall was to flourish/work and multiply. It was a two-fold mandate given equally to each image-bearing person, in a non-discriminate way.

Not – YOU, man work. And you LADY, multiply. But with mutuality – flourish/work and multiply. Consequently, the call to a vocation, husband/wife, father/mother, was a dual call – giving weight and dignity to both persons for all three aspects – not making the three exclusive of each other or synonymous of each other, but individual yet interdependent.

Do you feel like the image of God is divided between genders? Do you feel like a woman must choose between her created vocational sensibilities and motherhood? Do you think that her created vocational sensibilities become motherhood? How do you reconcile your gifting and abilities as you pursue or think about the different roles a woman? Do you feel like motherhood and vocation are pitted against themselves?

Of Babies and Marriage.

I can’t pretend to know a lot.

It has just struck me that no book (as I naively thought for marriage) can fully prepare me (though can HELP a lot, as with marriage) for the impending mystery and madness of child-bearing and rearing. 

There have been some definite changes around our household as of late – like this overwhelming desire to be a bird and create a nest of various snacks and cozy blankets (as well as a neat phreak streak, I did not know existed until now).

While we’re watching me morph into this bump-laden lady with a hoss appetite and exhaustion that rivals olympic athletes post-game, it has begun to set in that I have about 7 months to formulate a habitual culture of well-ordered loves in which to bring this baby. And, what this means more than anything is that God has to be dusted off and kick-out the various idols of my heart. What this means even more is that, rather than relying on my own discipline (weak and inconsistent as I am), spiritual intellect (small as it is), and ultimate desire to prove myself (though the historical failure rate is 100%) – I have to begin to trust that the Righteousness of Christ is what saves me.

This is a new realization to me, though I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it my whole life. I think, I’ve always thought that its MY faith that saves me. Which is just another way of saying that I save myself insofar-as I can muster faith. But, as I’ve understood Christ more – it is faith through God’s grace that saves, not because of my own perfection, but because of Christ’s perfection in place of me.

Again, I am just beginning to grapple with what this means, so excuse my inability to articulate it well; but, I am pretty sure if that is what I really believe, it will change significantly how I think about myself and others – and especially how I relate to God. And it will definitely change the shame-factor that seems to prevail over all “mistakes” I make.

I think, usually, I want to do the right think because it will make me look good – because I need the ego-stroke of approval. But, again, it is becoming more and more clear to me that the only righteousness that matter is Christ’s, and only it can actually change me in such a way that does not desire to turn back and worship myself, but rather to turn with grateful and satisfied heart to the one true God of life.

The News.

So… after 11 weeks, moving into the safe-zone… I am ready to announce that….dun dun dun..

I’m pregnant!

I am elated to say the least. However, with that note, I feel inclined to think back on marriage – particularly our wedding.

I didn’t do “bridal portraits” per se, but Eric, last year, took me to DC for a weekend and shot a few. I haven’t seen many of them, and when I looked through the rough edit wasn’t too thrilled. I thought perhaps he wasn’t either (oh how misperceptions can harm!). Until, tonight, when I was looking for some lost photos of my cousin’s baby – I found a few edits. Here are some pictures that make me remember how utterly esteemed I am by my husband, and remind me even more of how Christ loves His church.

Lora

Barely Bump