What Sin Shows.

I was on the phone with my mom the other day. She is an engineer. She is a very smart lady. She works with a very eclectic group of people.

She was in the process of buying some make-up for my aunt who had all of her things stolen in India on a missions trip.

One of my mom’s co-workers walked in and asked her what she was doing. She relayed the information about my aunt and the make-up. After which, he followed up by asking what my aunt was doing in India.

I, listening to all of this, flinched. How does one explain to the secular world, the work of the church? It seems to impose its idea of good on other cultures. It seems to be uppity in its engagement. It seems, it seems, it seems…

My mom did not skip a beat.

“She was doing missions. They have a few churches over there she and her husband work for, and they were there to visit and support them.”

I breathed. Oddly, I was relieved. She said it as if it was no big deal. I mean, of course, there are people who love the church. There are people who GO to church. There are people who support churches, who support communities in other countries – who support people.

Why did this make me uncomfortable?

I think for a few reasons.

1. I orient myself and my behavior around what I see to be socially acceptable. And that social acceptability is provided largely by this huge academic world where Christianity is evil; in fact, God, interestingly enough, has become what used to be the Devil.
2. I don’t read enough scripture. What I mean by this is – I don’t allow scripture to be the mirror by which I see myself. Scripture is not the identifying, definitive ethic by which I live and understand myself  James 1:22-25
3. I don’t fully grasp the grace by which I am saved, or the way of life presented to me by Christ in Matthew.
4. I live mostly for myself, for my own comfort, for my own satisfaction – by my own god-like standards. In other words, I care more about ME than anything else.

The conviction of these things has been heavy on me the past few months. Of course, it has been and continues to be a process of understanding what the Gospel is, how do I put my weight on it, do I believe it is the salvation for all, is my identity so much wrapped in Christ that I can handle being disliked, being without everything I want that would “make me happy”? Am I able to be challenged without being crushed? Where does my ultimate desire fall? What – then, do I worship – by what worth am I shaped?

There have been a couple things that have shown me my sin.

1. I am almost 25.

There is a baby growing within me. Wrinkles are forming on my forehead, and my hair – that I spent so long growing out to do the Hollywood tousled – “no, I just woke up looking like this” look – is now short and will not do anything “pretty.” In other words, the idol of beauty is corroding before my eyes, and all of the wasted effort of worshiping this has been found naught, wanting, void and otherwise useless. Beauty will provide nothing but a grueling recipe for self-absorption and lust.

2. I am married and with child.

I am in between stages of life – where I am not quite a mother and thus belonging to a group of people called mothers – but I am also not without kids. And, I am no longer single – I have a person in my life to whom (and I am very glad for this) I am responsible for nurturing and spending the majority of my time with. I am attached.

What has this shown me? I have nothing to offer other people. (Right, I know that’s not true – maybe? But I feel it.) Really, I can’t speed here and there doing random stuff. I don’t have the same freedom to be up until all hours of the night or even out past like 8 – mostly because I’m pregnant and exhausted. I have less money than I used to – which means I can’t buy people fun things as much. I am, in effect, only worth what you see – a person, foggy-brained and without much energy.

And all the while, Christ consoles me – you are worthy because I made you. You have value because I bought you. The blood you see, falling like sheets from my hands was shed to make you clean, to give you a living hope – to assure you of your value. And beyond that – it is not primarily about you, Lora, nor is it about the ease of engaging others but the reality that community, no matter the difficulty, is the body and you need it.