Of Babies and Marriage.

I can’t pretend to know a lot.

It has just struck me that no book (as I naively thought for marriage) can fully prepare me (though can HELP a lot, as with marriage) for the impending mystery and madness of child-bearing and rearing. 

There have been some definite changes around our household as of late – like this overwhelming desire to be a bird and create a nest of various snacks and cozy blankets (as well as a neat phreak streak, I did not know existed until now).

While we’re watching me morph into this bump-laden lady with a hoss appetite and exhaustion that rivals olympic athletes post-game, it has begun to set in that I have about 7 months to formulate a habitual culture of well-ordered loves in which to bring this baby. And, what this means more than anything is that God has to be dusted off and kick-out the various idols of my heart. What this means even more is that, rather than relying on my own discipline (weak and inconsistent as I am), spiritual intellect (small as it is), and ultimate desire to prove myself (though the historical failure rate is 100%) – I have to begin to trust that the Righteousness of Christ is what saves me.

This is a new realization to me, though I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it my whole life. I think, I’ve always thought that its MY faith that saves me. Which is just another way of saying that I save myself insofar-as I can muster faith. But, as I’ve understood Christ more – it is faith through God’s grace that saves, not because of my own perfection, but because of Christ’s perfection in place of me.

Again, I am just beginning to grapple with what this means, so excuse my inability to articulate it well; but, I am pretty sure if that is what I really believe, it will change significantly how I think about myself and others – and especially how I relate to God. And it will definitely change the shame-factor that seems to prevail over all “mistakes” I make.

I think, usually, I want to do the right think because it will make me look good – because I need the ego-stroke of approval. But, again, it is becoming more and more clear to me that the only righteousness that matter is Christ’s, and only it can actually change me in such a way that does not desire to turn back and worship myself, but rather to turn with grateful and satisfied heart to the one true God of life.