Sex: What I’ve Learned.

Probably it’s odd to have so many posts on sex – who knows. In an effort to drop-kick shame, however, I find it important to go ahead and talk about it/write about it.

Before Eric and I got married we asked a lot of questions about marriage – one question that was particularly insightful was this:

Eric: So – tell me one thing that you thought would be easy but has turned out to be more difficult?

Couple A, D, F and so on: Sex.

Of course neither of us were expecting that answer. I figured it’d be something like – communication, or cleaning, or finding time to hang out or financial decisions… but the answer astoundingly was sex.

It seems to me that this says something about where we should be investing research, prayer, time and conversation – at least to some extent – should be about sex.

So, here are a few things I’ve learned on this new quest for knowledge, intimacy, enjoyment and worship:

1. Sex was created to be good – for both men and women.

2. God ordered sex at the very beginning. It is clearly important and creational.

3. We (that is the collective group of humanity) have a very screwed up perception of what sex should be.

4. Our screwed up perception causes all sorts of dysfunction within and without marriage.

5. Sex is primarily an act of love.

6. Love is defined in Corinthians 13 and ought to be within the context of how God loved us -which is unselfishly, giving of himself for our good.

7. Contrary to popular opinion, media, magazines and books – REAL SEX is made for marriage, and real sex can be defined only with in a covenant, exclusive, legal binding – for the sake of love, flourishing, sanctification and trust, and if God ordains – children.

8. Orgasm is not the primary goal of sex. The primary goal of good sex is to love each other, to get to know each other, to bask in the thrill of caring for the other person.

9.  The beauty, enjoyment and pleasure of a sexual relationship with your spouse is cultivated over time – getting to know each other’s needs – emotionally, mentally, and physically, cultivating a lens of compassion and care for the other person.

10. Cultivating a disposition of trust toward God and your spouse is crucial.

11. Speaking openly and honestly about your feelings, your fears, your reservations is utterly important.

12. Seeking wise counsel to help you sort through fears, frustrations, – be they mental or physiological – is necessary and important for perseverance and gaining wisdom and cultivating a glorious and selfless sexual life with your spouse.

13. Relationships are meant to be both private and corporate, that is shalom – the hebrew word for PEACE as in the redemption of all things – is a corporate act, and therefore as people we are meant to be in community working these things out over time with wisdom, discernment and care.

So, that’s all for now. I probably will post more stuff from time to time – but as a general thought, work at this, read about it, be concern with it, make it important to understand yourself and your spouse and your friends – as gendered creatures with particular sexual understandings that DO impact everything.