Righting Respect: Two Months.

Back in June, my cousin gave me a book called “Love and Respect.” I read about 2 chapters, and I wanted to throw it across the room. It frustrated me – challenged me – suggested that like love is unconditional, so is respect. 

At this point in our relationship, we were not yet married – we had just gotten engaged, and we were insane with Para renovations and Eric photographing weddings. I was between living spaces, having just finished the Fellows program, and I was trying to decide where I would be working next year, while beginning the plans for a wedding to come in December. I was still a child in some ways – financially dependent on my parents, beginning to live by myself in a different city for the first time, never having been responsible for my health insurance, car insurance or most things – always having someone else older and more responsible than me, telling me what to do. But now, I was it. I was the older person…

Eric was gone most almost every weekend, sometimes for a week for various photography shoots; during the rest of the time, we were at Para renovating from early morning to late into the night. 

The longer time went on, the more frustrated I got because none of our time was being spent preparing for what would be the most intense and important decision of our lives – marriage. I had envisioned a leisurely time of reading, talking, meditating, counseling, personality assessment and enjoying each other; but, what was happening was exactly the opposite. Very little reading, talking mostly about coffee and other people’s weddings, rushed and crammed counseling sessions between everything, and frustration at each other for being so busy and worn out. We sinned against each other with our frustration and lack of self-control; we struggled a lot.

From this jumping point, we began our marriage. 

Doing our best to put the engagement period behind us, we began to lean heavily on the Lord’s wisdom on how to love each other, how to sacrifice, how to be selfless and tender, regardless of past frustrations. 

For me, it has been a terrible struggle – the feelings of respect just refused to follow the attempted actions of respect; in fact, the more I tried to do nice things the more resentful I felt. 

My cousin read me this beautiful excerpt from “This Momentary Marriage” by John Piper, talking about how eventually, in marriage, all you can see are the cow pies. And this was true – cow pies, everywhere. In Eric, in myself – like a stank field of manure.

It has been uphill, we are close to the vantage point, looking down over the last two months with a tired sense of satisfaction – love.

But, the greatest thing I learned, the underlying frustration of “unconditional respect” is forgiving the person for that which you feel you cannot respect him.

The reason, the problem, why I could not respect Eric is because I had not forgiven him; for being busy, for lacking self-control, for one and a million different reasons that piled upon each other. Trying to respect someone in spite of forgiveness is impossible. I came to realize that the reason the book frustrated me so much is because the premise, the foundation was missing (at least in the first two chapters); I must forgive in order to respect.

I must not just “let go” or “ignore” or “look past” the anger I feel, or the annoying things we do to each other – but I must forgive them. I must forgive him for not knowing me fully enough to read my mind about picking up clothes on the floor, forgive him for being late, forgive him for not wording a sentence perfectly, forgive him for not wanting to read as much as me, forgive him for stepping on my idols, forgive him for being a different type of learner than I am – that is to say, stop holding it against him. Stop not respecting him.

Forgiveness is a condition of the heart, to say – I am broken, I am no better, I have compassion, I have empathy, I reach out to you and walk in your shoes; Christ has done that for me. 

Another way of saying “love keeps no record of wrongs” is to say – love forgives; that is to say, Love respects.

Anger.

“Of the seven deadly sins- anger is the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor the last tooths and morsel of the pain you’re giving back to them, in many ways is a feast fit for a king; the chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down at this feast is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.” – Frederick Buechner

There is no greater sign of the real spiritual condition of your heart that whether you forgive… or not. – Tim Keller

Neitzsche.

So…

It seems that in order to better understand atheism, I need to read a few authors and study their critiques.

Any thoughts on Nietzsche, Kant, Dawkins and Hitchens? Any other authors?

I have read some, but not as extensively as I ought.

Just a thought….

The Implication.

Once a week I get together with a small group of people.

Often, one of the guys brings up really interesting and poignant questions about scripture and life – usually, I get frustrated with it, defensive even.

It goes like this:

(——insert really interesting comment here———)

My answer goes something like this:

Well, what are you driving at? What are you trying to say I’m not doing???? Huh, huh, huh?!?

Usually I go home feeling frustrated and annoyed. Until, ah ha!, I realized that this stretches how I think – it forces me to consider what I believe – what it means to be a believer – what it means to meditate on scripture and truth.

This happens a lot when I talk to be people are violent arguers against Christianity. Usually, I feel frustrated – like, AUGH, do you realize what you are saying about life if what you say is true??

Voila – the implication…

To pick up on a implication requires some meditation on the assertion -

Ie. The body is bad, the soul is good. or material subjects are bad; spiritual is good. (A gnostic view which implies something about life.)

Meditation: what does that mean for life? What does that mean for how I treat my body, or the earth, or  other people – if the body is bad or material things are bad?

Answer (if you hold that belief, here is the result): I can abuse my body or mistreat it – over-eating, under-eating… etc; the earth can be totally used for whatever I want and depleted because it will be renewed anyway; the only thing that matters when I help other people is the state of their soul; therefore, I ignore their basic bodily needs like food, clothes, shelter etc. Therefore I preach the gospel in Cambodia and never do anything about the obscene amount of sex trafficking – this world does not matter anyway.

**This isn’t, by the way, the mentality that Jesus takes. He affirms both the body and the soul. For example, *in Matthew, he goes around preaching the gospel and healing as many people as were brought to him. He attended to both their soul and their ailments. Also, in Genesis, he affirms creation with “It is good; it is good; it is good… etc”**

Anyway- you can see how implication is extremely important and mediation even more so to get to the root of the assertion.

Take every statement to it’s farthest place – what does it mean to REALLY believe that.

This is something I’m realizing; everything we believe or say we believe implies something about humanity, about our world, about our purpose or lack of purpose; no statement can go unchecked, no mentality unchallenged… for every truth has consequences.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

* Matthew 4:23-30

Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them. Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him.

**To see why Christ doesn’t take this perspective, here are some resources that have helped me see where the world is affirmed: “Engaging God’s World” by Plantinga; “Surprised by Hope” by N.T. Wright; “The Last Battle” C.S. Lewis (a great vision of true heaven).

• Go here for a really cool break down of a Biblical Story about God’s provision – ahhhh, the implication. What if we really believed God would provide…. how would we live differently?

…will power?

Will-power.

Photo: Eric Kelley

The idea that with your will you can power yourself to do something.

It often surfaces like this: truth+commitment = change = (will power)

1. eating too much is bad for you + dieting everyday = healthy body = (will power)
2. this guy I’m dating has cheated on me and treats me bad + I will not date him anymore or call him = out of the relationship
3. smoking is bad for you + I resolve to quit = No longer a smoker

Those are just three basic life examples I see all the time – but to put it in the tune of God here’s a few others:

1. the bible is good to read + I will read it everyday = I read it everyday
2. witnessing is the right thing to do + I vow to reach out to non-believers = I am now Paul
3. Mother Theresa is a good example + I will move to ______ and dedicate my life to the poor = Saint

Each example begins with a deficit. As in, you start with the truth because it must be there to combat a lie. Ie. you tell yourself eating too much is bad for you because you probably eat too much; or you tell yourself the guy you’re dating is jerk because he hurts you all the time; or you say witnessing to your faith is correct because you’re not doing it at all and therefore your M.O. of belief is off.

I spent my whole adolescence in bed with will-power attempting to reform myself – either with diet, or guys or addictions; or with spiritual practices.

It’s everywhere: New Year’s resolutions, accountability partners, diaries, self-help books, etc – all are intended to encourage the will to power. And, time and time again – February rolls around and the resolutions are long forgotten until next December; time and time again the accountability partner becomes someone with whom you barter so neither has to actually correct sin but just vent about it; diaries become a one-way conversation of wah wah, I cannot break the cycle; self-helps books refurbish their covers and re-emerge in an effort to be re-purchased again and again and again – until, at last, the will to power fails….

Every person I talk to who wants to change, inevitably cannot will themselves into it. This is because the will is the very power that you are trying to get your WILL to work against.

Will is a form of love or motivated by love. It is informed by affections – it is fertilized by desire; it breaths what it likes and cannot change itself. The will actually has very little power to motivate in a contrary direction because the will is what moved you in the direction to begin with.

I dated a guy in college for almost two years. He always told me he didn’t have time to read his bible, but he wanted to. One day, his friend told him he was looking plump around the edges. Something changed in him – he started working out. Everyday he would take time, 2 or more hours, to go to the gym and buff up. He spend 200 bucks a month on protein supplements, bought gloves to be able to life weights, jogged for 45 minutes or more a day… bought fitness magazines and read them fervently.

When it came down to it, it’s not that he didn’t have time to read his bible – he just didn’t want to.

The affections of his will did not allow him to take time to read his bible or dedicate his life.

The question, as I’ve gotten older, has become – not CAN I read my Bible, but do I want to? And if I don’t want to, but it’s good for me, how do I learn to love it? Do I really love God? Where is my heart? Is the Gospel really what’s motivating me or an idol?

This week has been really exhausting; at times, I’ve wanted to cry because of how messy everything in my house is – but, it has been so beautiful to watch the Lord meet me here. As my affections have been settled more and more on him, the greater my energy, the greater the will to move and strive and live; and as we know, Love moves us to do insane things – it gives us more energy and more delight than almost anything else, especially when it is God’s love in us drawing us to Him.

The reality is: no amount of truth or commitment will ever equal change; The only thing that changes us permanently, steadfastly and eternally is God nestling deep within our hearts and setting our love on him; and all the attempts to WILL ourselves… will only ever result in self-righteousness.

May God move into your heart and drawn every affection you have onto Him - that all attempts made to steady or change or “fix” your life are because the Gospel eats everything else away.

More and more I am learning that it is not my will that needs changing but my loves.

When God Honors Effort.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

Really, this verse doesn’t relate entirely to the effort about which I am talking – but doing good can range from good works abroad, good works in the community and good works at home.

The first 50 days have been hard – to say we were operating at 100, or on a full tank, would not be the truth. The 6 months of engagement were probably some of the most trying times thus far for us – very little time to spend together, lots of weddings for Eric, a lot of investment in a coffee shop in a time of impending economic recession, withering community as the summer takes people on vacation etc, trying to discern where to go to church, living between homes, planning a wedding, and trying to learn about each other in such a way as to prepare for a lifetime together.

It’s not easy. Now, there are harder things; there are always harder things, but for us – this has been the hardest so far.

Our beginning was a whirlwind romance. Eric, of course, is the greatest of all friends – interested, caring and fiercely loyal. He also has compassion that puts me to shame. To say that I fell for him, would be an understatement – I fell and never quite hit the ground.

A hazy night, mid-october,  he invited me over to hang out. At first, I declined, hesitant to rush into any romantic situation, but his friendliness was so genuine and gentle, I quickly recanted and drove over to his apartment to watch the premiere of the office (yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting in tow). I dressed as heinous as I possibly could – xxl scrubs, a Patty griffin t-shirt, greasy hair and glassy – all to avoid kindling anything based on appearances.

He answered the door in sweat pants and a t-shirt, lead me in, and introduced me to his community of friends – all kind, all smiling, all glad to meet me (and eat cupcakes).

First thing, I noticed the photographs (I didn’t know he was a photographer, yet) – stunning, gripping, enchanting images of Africa, of people, of children laughing and playing – national geographicesque. “Who took these?” I asked. Greg answered, “Eric.” Hm, I thought to myself. We watched the Office; at 10, it was time to leave, the Fellows program required at least 12 hours of sleep to function, and I was already looking at 8. He walked me to my car. Mist clung to my hair, to his hair – and we talked about vision, about what God was calling him to do, about his passion for Nicaragua and Africa and America. He tossed out his recycling, and I leaned against the car, listening to the joy with which he explained his love for life and humanity.

Before, in emails, he had asked me about myself – I, anxious for help and hope, explained rather dramatically my life and need for Jesus; he listened patiently and said, “Well, we’re all broken; I, just as well as you, and everyone else.” Took the shame and smashed it with compassion.

He side-hugged me, opened the door to my car, and closed it, smiling. I drove home… pretty sure, if love was this giant feeling that sort of cometed into one’s stomach and exploded…that I, in fact, was in love.

He texted me every morning for a year and some change – every night, every day. Walked with me at lunch, ran errands with me, picked up Nicole and Jason’s recycling just to come see me, met my parents and loved them instantly; asked my dad if we could date, called them frequently to talk. We traded journals, reading Passion and Purity, learning the discipline of submitting a relationship to Christ. He hugged me a lot when I was frustrated; listened patiently to my complaints and aggrevation, never attempting to fix, but more attempting to challenge me. He talked with the Director of the Fellows program about dating me; met with my host dad; talked with one of the professors, and met with our pastor.

He prayed with me, for me. He laughed with me, at me when I was silly; took long drives with me, and showed me around Charlottesville – took me to Dc to meet his best friend; asked my advice on a coffee shop, on God, on life – on everything, and took it a lot of them time. He respected me. He didn’t care that I rarely shaved my legs or that I could, at any time, get very angry about chauvinistic mentalities and generalize wildly about the idiotic nature of men in general and how all XY chromosomes must be tainted with stupidity. In fact, due to him in large part, I actually don’t think ALL men are stupid, and am attuned to the reality that women bear the same genetic tainting.

He put in a lot of effort, the most effort I’ve ever received from any guy – he loved me furiously.

He is a good man, one of the best men I’ve had the privilege of knowing – and the only man I would ever think of spending the rest of my days being sanctified and rejoicing with.

I didn’t like school when I was growing up. I loved kindergarten – recess, swings, friends, crafts, short days. But after that, I didn’t do my school work a lot of the time; I talked in class, fiddled with pencils, played with my jewelry and never organized my desk. One time, my mom had a parent teacher conference with my teacher about my “not liking school.” My mother told the teacher, “I am not trying to raise a good 3rd grader; I am trying to raise a good adult.”

Now, not taking for granted that in order to become an adult, you have to move through third grade. But her point was poignant to me – the goal is long-term, not short term. I loved College. The last 2 years I made the Dean’s list; I was top writing major. I kicked some education ass. It was the most fulfilling educational period of my life, and the most important.

I see marriage this way. The beginning is kindergarten – the middle is elementary/jr. high/high school. The rest is higher education – beautiful, constructive, elegant, enlightening. I am trying to get to higher education. While the comet exploding in my stomach was one of the most joyful moments of our relationship, – the endearing, enduring and exquisite moment of understanding each other amidst the frustration, realizing that you’re on each other’s team, drawing close in reconciliation, watching the scales and sin fall from our eyes – is the MOST beautiful and wondrous thing imaginable. But it does not happen without refining fire – and that is pain, that is hard – that means that 50 days might be really hard – but that a lifetime might be joyous, rich, brimming and filled with fruit of righteousness. That the love we have might reflect Corinthians 13 – everyday – forever. That we might learn selflessness and sacrifice; that we might represent fully, the relationship between Christ and the Church – that we might persevere into overwelming and abounding grace and love.

This is the honor of effort. This is the true and good hope.

There are moments, within the middle years, where the clouds part and a glimpse of the mountains is revealed – and the glory-self of the person is radiant and inspiring – we had one, Valentine’s Day was the best Valentine’s day I’ve ever had – probably our best day yet. Glorious, enjoyable, filled with love and friendship. There are those days – the honor of the effort, the reaping of a harvest planted with great toiling and sweat and sometimes tears – but all the more beautiful, all the more glorious – because it didn’t come easy, and because it is with great reliance on the Lord to move us into beauty.

This is why I write. This is why I pray; this is why things are difficult – because we look toward the hope of some ass-kicking marriage, hanging on the Lord’s provision and the Lord’s fire to burn away everything that keeps us from really knowing and loving each other and the world.

Lora

Side by Side.

Recovering from Sin.

I sin. I miss the mark, plummet into the abyss of selfishness and frustration – and almost always blames someone else or take it out on someone else. Rarely is my sin unassisted by someone else.

Obviously their speck is actually a plank, if they would just remove it, they could see clearly that I am not the problem – they are! (ha).

Tim Keller, in his first marriage sermon, tells the listener that selfishness is the main problem in all marriages.

If you’re single – selfishness will be the main problem in your marriage.

If you’re married – it is the main problem.

And if you’re divorced – it was the main problem.

After he stated this – Tim went on to say that the only cure for selfishness in marriage is to decide that your own selfishness is the main problem, the worse of the two of you, and determine that you are going to work on your own selfishness without consistently pointing out the selfishness of the other person.

I believe this. And, if I analyze any of my behavior, I have to determine that my selfishness is the only thing I can do anything about.

But… what about when I don’t? What about when I throw my hands up, huff around in tears, and throw every bad thing Eric’s ever done in his face and complain about how he doesn’t do this, this, this, this and everything right? When he stomps off in a fit, and I sit on the floor crying, and we go our separate ways, and all I want to do is sulk and think of every bad thing and cry and blame it all on my period…. what then? How does one hop back on the proverbial horse and start again?

I find that one of my biggest hold-ups is that I take too long to start over – I take too long to pick up my Bible and read about Jesus again. I take too long to consider holding my tongue and reaching out in love. I take too long to forgive myself and Eric and to let things go.

Sin is bad. It destroys everything it touches – but it’s twofold. It first destroys and then shames. It says, “And now, you’ve gone too far…. and now there is no returning. Now, you cannot start over. Now, you’ve said too much, done too much. Now, there’s no forgiveness. Now, …. you are stuck, and unless you right yourself yourself… there is no turning back, and we all know that YOU can’t right yourself, and the one thing that can is disappointed, embarrassed and ashamed of you. And actually – He doesn’t think you’re curable either. Actually, He’s probably given up on you by now.”
The shame is the what keeps us from recovery. The shame is what keeps us from confessing; the shame and disappointment and embarrassment…

 

I think we deal with this in three ways: 

1. By either fessing up before we get going that we are GOING to sin, and therefore just assume that I suck. (But this inevitably leads to apathy about sin, which keeps it from being confessed and never dealt with and thus never surrenders one’s life to Christ and sanctification, never bears fruits, never changes, and is stuck in sin wondering how to get out if still even caring at all)…

2. Despairing about sin – that is, never confessing, running away from God until you can clean up your act, and eventually doubting Christ’s redemption for you.

3. Being disciplined into Trust.

That is – stepping forward into God’s grace that – both saves and calls – that both forgives and demands; that both requires sanctification and provides the sustenance. That anticipates sin and corrects it.

That is trusting that God’s mercies are new every morning. 

Today we go into a huge fight. I self-pitied, tried to wallow, but the Lord said – No, your emotions will not dominate you, go read your Bible, pray, and go see Eric.

Marriage is hard. Everything is wrong with me – I am utterly and totally depraved, and I move forward only with grace, eating the daily bread, and being humbled by the recovery ALWAYS, ALWAYS granted for those who confess and repent and are saved.

That’s a Great Idea!

I spent the evening yesterday with my friend, Dorothy. She is a tremendous joy – direct, thoughtful, and encouraging.

She sent me an email that she re-enforced in person – “Let’s memorize scripture!”

I admit, rather than responding with a resounding jubilation – I affirmed the need for that, and then we changed subjects. But it got me to thinking… why do I have such a hard time acting on other people’s suggestions?

I feel this with Eric, my mother, peers, and mentors… they suggest, I shrug and contemplate, then like a cat – decide it was my idea and go ahead with it or discard it all together.

Memorizing scripture is a FABULOUS idea!

It refreshes the manna – it awakens the mind to things of God. It is the daily bread for which we are supposed to pray, for man lives not on formal bread alone, but on every word that come from God.

This problem is a ME-mentality, or a “my kingdom” mentality. Dethroning oneself is painful. It requires, as the bible says, thinking of others as BETTER than yourself. Not just equal, but better. ha! I barely consider equality.

Humility was a chief quality of the Savior. And it is his likeness to which we ought to fervently desire to be molded.

So, Fergs – that is a great idea.

Worshipping Myself.

I can be a critical person. Bad things are always easier to see than good things; good things represent the way things ought to be, and are therefore brushed aside as “duh” behaviors – of course you SHOULD help put up the dishes, why should I thank you for that?

I am much more quick to correct than to affirm – to critique, rather than caress – to nag rather than bless – to pout rather than engage – to withdraw rather than kiss.

Marriage, I’m finding, is the most unique petri dish for bringing forth disastrous behaviors. It’s a closed group  of two, easy to ignore, berate, and degrade – all within the privacy of your own home. It is the perfect place to root out all selfishness, anger, poor habits, and idolatry; that is, of course, if you desire to have a marriage that “sings” as Tim Keller puts it.

44 days in, I’m finding that I am not uniquely equipped with the grand gift of self-willed humility; instead, it appears that I’ve had grandiose visions of myself, and I am, in fact, just as horrible a person as I think everyone else is. 

Also, love grows flat in the face of annoyances, selfishness and poor habitual responses to disappointment, will-thwarting and criticism.

I found myself feeling dull, ticked, and perpetually frustrating Eric with my “wise” revelations about his terrible habits and personality traits. His tenderness fades; my annoyance grows; my nagging persists; his withdrawal increases; alas, I am bawling in the abyss of my bathtub unable to figure out why I don’t like him, and why he’s treating me like some girl he resents.

I think back to Tim Keller – “The eros that draws you, the ego-kick of his or her affection, MUST DIE – it must, in order for a more enduring and lasting affection to grow forth.”

Nicole says, quoting John Piper, “Forgiveness and forbearance.”  Sometimes, it is helpful to look past the annoyances and focus on the beauty of the person.

My mom says, “Words of affirmation. Just be nice. Sometime, you have to submit to the other person in kindness and love.”

I began to realize that my frustrations were due to my self-absorption; that in my world, I am king, and Eric is sinning against my unstated and ever-changing morality. I am an idol-worshipper. I worship myself! Moving the oatmeal to a different place is a sin against my will, which put the oatmeal where it was in the first place. (Consequently, he is king in his world, and his will suggested that he move the oatmeal, and I sinned against him and his morality when I corrected him for moving it.)

Yes, we are both selfish – but the only selfishness over which I have any control – is my own. Often, I’ve realized, that correcting another person based on my kingdom’s morality or preferences, is just another way of regarding equality with God as something to be grasped – or rather, crowning myself as king in relationships with other people. The annoyances, therefore, are really a result of my relationship with God and the gospel’s impact on my soul at present. Do I perceive my selfishness as worse than Eric’s (regardless of whether I have a million excuses, or whether MY selfishness makes sense..)? Or am I so obsessed with his flaws and irritations that God’s work in me is merely the work of trying to break through the hardness of my heart, rather than the work of producing fruit in fertile, humble and selfless soil?

You see, affirmation is a form of hope. It tills the ground for growth; when I affirm Eric, I create tenderness – a tenderness toward the Lord, a tenderness toward others, and a tenderness toward me. It also leaves space for plucking, with gentle hands, the weeds that are actually sins against the Lord, rather than just “sins” against MY morality.

Affirmation is hope in mind – changing the way I think about him, affirming him with my mentalities and thoughts. Affirmation is a posture of devotion, that suggests my great love and care for his desires, hopes and work. Affirmation requires a vision for the future – it affirms in the hope of building patterns of behavior. Affirmation removes the focus from ME and places it back onto him.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal…..

Love is PATIENT.

Love is KIND.

Love  does not envy.
           does not boast.
           is not proud.
           is NOT RUDE.
           is not self-seeking.
Keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil, but REJOICES with the TRUTH.

Always, protects, trusts, hope… and perseveres.

Love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13

Monday Night.

Hey friends,

Exciting news! I’m playing at Para on Monday night the 9th. Feels strange and wonderful – but more than anything I fear I won’t do well.

I guess, if you read this, pray for me – for life in general. Things are pretty hectic right now.

Lora