Avec Jolie.

I had this thought about beauty – instigated by my friend Rose who constantly challenges me to think insightfully about life and Christ.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/august/25.60.html?start=1

That link is an article/critique about/of “Captivating” this book by Stasi Eldredge. While I have not read it, the book I mean, and therefore cannot give a complete analysis of it, I found some of the general arguments in this article very interesting. I am not sure where I stand on either side, but this writer does say something that has struck me profoundly.

“With provocative hyperbole, a character in Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s novel The Idiot predicts that beauty will save the world. Commenting on this line, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn imagined that “if the too obvious, too straight branches of Truth and Good are crushed or amputated and cannot reach the light,” then “perhaps the whimsical, unpredictable, unexpected branches of Beauty will make their way through and soar up to that very place and in this way perform the work of all three.”"
-Agnieszka Tennant

She argues, though, that the beauty suggested in “Captivating” does not do the word “beauty” justice – it is rather “mere prettification, a tendency toward sentimental adornment” and restricted only to women.

Whether or not Stasi reduces beauty to the external modifications made because of  the desire to create aestheticism either with our bodies or surroundings, the world certainly does. She says “Beauty is core to a woman—who she is and what she longs to be. Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman. Pioneer women brought china teacups into the wilderness, and I bring a pretty tablecloth to eat on when my family camps. We wear perfume, paint our toenails, color our hair, and pierce our ears, all in an effort to be ever more beautiful.”

I find Stasi’s “beautification” fairly benign on the surface, but it still seems to represent the problem at large – what is beauty?
Eva Longoria or Angelina Jolie or Britney Spears? Is it Hollister or Abercrombie or Victoria’s Secret? Is it Lexus, Mercedes or Range Rover? Is it Granola Wear or J. Crew? Anthropologie? Gillette? Bikinis? A clean-shaven leg? Straight-long hair, dark eye make-up and cleavage? Tea-cups and Hair color?

Are these the orientation of our desires, the north on our compass?

While I do not deny that I have a strong desire to be beautiful and partake in many a beautification exercise – occasionally shaving my legs when the fur is insurmountable – it seems that the beauty for which I long is far greater than the inexhaustible need to tweeze my eye-brows or find really high leather boots on sale or arrange my furniture in some fung sui manner as to not upset the cosmos.

The beauty for which I long has some eternal weight defined not by the genetic gambling of my conception, but by the character and nature of my heart.

If we are to be women, we ought to, before we consider beauty, assure ourselves that the affections of our heart are in-line with that of Christ. Otherwise, how are we to establish what is beautiful, if our corruptible and easily wooed affections are set on the passive intake of media psychology and wisdom?

I look to Proverbs 31 occasionally to encourage myself, but at one point it was a death sentence. Her lamp never goes out?!?

She is clothed with DIGNITY not Laura Mercier or Urban Outfitters… or Vicky’s. Crap.

Beauty is fleeting and Charm is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

What does this mean? Now, I could go line by line through Proverbs 31 and explain the implication for each line – it’s not nearly as oppressive as people would have you think. It actually thinks very highly of a woman’s capabilities and honor – and never once suggests that a Wife of Nobel Character ought to look like a porn star and give really good oral sex or shut up.

But rather than doing that – I will say this – the Bible is wise. The Bible is wiser than me, and I ought to, as Tim Keller says, “filter my wisdom through the lens of scripture, rather than filtering the scripture through my lens.”

If we are to be beautiful women, as believers,  - if this is at the core of our heart, perhaps our dissatisfaction with ourselves, our constant need to alter our appearance, buy new clothes, find some lip-plumping lip gloss, wear hot-pink bras, or dig for compliments on our looks – comes, not from the decay of our bodies or the inherent desire to adorn ourselves, but rather from the insatiable desire of the holy spirit to make us more than prime physical specimens, but rather to create in us the realization that external beauty is pleasing only insofar as the internal self is abiding and producing the exquisite and ravishing fruit of righteousness.

The beauty for which the world strives, seeks only to create adoration for self, whereas the beauty to which Christ calls us, seeks to push us in to selflessness – to create the wise and lovely disposition of a heart longing to please and serve the Lord.

One Month: The Obedient Thought.

It’s been a hard but rewarding month.

There are a few things I’ve come to realize about walking with the Lord and just existing in the world in general.

1. The Bible’s Wisdom shows up everywhere. Perhaps it is a tried and true psychological concept – perhaps it is the best advice you received as a young person from your somewhat odd 3rd grade teacher; if you read the Bible, the best advice in your life, will show up there. No concept of atheism, or vanity, or humanity has been reproduced – perhaps re-worded, re-conceptualized, but not re-created. Solomon knew, when he said nothing is new under the sun, that all wisdom is regurgitated, but all of it begins with the Lord, and if you study and look closely, the Bible has it already.

1 example for time’s sake:
1. Psychological Concept:
I was reading this book, Overcoming Depression (one of my fears is that I am actually depressed and don’t know it 1/2 the time, but that’s another story for another day). I don’t agree with a lot of what the author suggests; I assume if I actually talked to him it would make more sense, but while reading it, I found it…. strange. However, desperate to find some cure to my emotional unrest and waves of highs and lows, I pressed on, and what I did find was intriguing.

ABC Therapy. (der, what?)

A variable: Person who makes fun of you
B Variable: thoughts about that
C variable: Pain – caused by thoughts

That is the assessment. Our thoughts are what cause us the most pain – not the object or person or circumstance behind the action or even the action.

I read this while being supremely pissed at Eric for not being home when he was supposed to be. And, as I sat there, I realized it was not that he was late, it was what I was thinking about WHY he was late.

“He doesn’t love me. He would rather be doing what he’s doing than hanging out with me. He’s over-committed himself. He doesn’t think time together is as important as I do. He’s tired of me. Etc Etc. “

By the end, I was in a full blown rampage tizzy, and I was crying hysterically over the above thoughts – convinced that all of them were true because he was late.

The author challenged us to consider that every emotional response is directly correlated to our thoughts about whatever has happened to us. Our thoughts create in us a disposition.

And if we rest on what we THINK to be the case, rather than rehearsing the Truth given to us, we will find ourselves time and time again struggling with despondency, shame, frustration, self-pity, arrogance, and pride. And from those thoughts… well, just read below.

Below we see the Bible’s Wisdom – and how thoughts have such power and influence and are a focal point of many a scripture.

Genesis 6:5
The LORD saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.

Job 20:2
My troubled thoughts prompt me to answer because I am greatly disturbed.

Psalm 10:4
In his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

Psalm 13:2
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

Psalm 94:11
The LORD knows the thoughts of man; he knows that they are futile.

Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Proverbs 15:26
The LORD detests the thoughts of the wicked, but those of the pure are pleasing to him.

Isaiah 59:7
Their feet rush into sin; they are swift to shed innocent blood. Their thoughts are evil thoughts; ruin and destruction mark their ways.

Daniel 4:19
[ Daniel Interprets the Dream ] Then Daniel (also called Belteshazzar) was greatly perplexed for a time, and his thoughts terrified him.

Matthew 9:4
Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts?

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

Ephesians 2:3
All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

Hebrews 3:1
Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess.

And Finally

2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

The final verse is spoken to Christians, and I for one, generally assume that when Paul says, “we demolish arguments” that he is talking about verbal savvy when arguing with non-christians, but just for a moment imagine if he is talking to you – that, by taking our thoughts captive, we demolish the arguments in our mind that set themselves up against the knowledge of God.

That truly, our thoughts are what need demolishing – our thoughts are what need captivating, and our thoughts are what need replacing with, as in Hebrews, Jesus.

Jesus.

I, for one, would rather ruminate on Grey’s Anatomy – or US Weekly – or… the good feelings I get from thinking someone likes me. OR the bad feelings I get when I think someone doesn’t like me. OR the good feelings I feel when my hair does exactly what it ought to, and someone compliments me! Ah! I’m beauty, yes! Or ah, I’m miserable… wahhhhhhh – and my whole day is obsessed with thoughts… about…. me.
Or, the negative thoughts I have when X, Y, Z happens in my life – be it death, or illness, or frustration – how much do I think about these things over and over and over in my head until the Lord has no room to work – except to watch me wallow in my thoughts about why God isn’t working.

“What is of even greater importance is the cultivation of a Trustful disposition toward God…
The HABIT of ALWAYS thinking about of Him, of His ways and His works…
with bright confiding hopefulness.”
-Andrew Murray

This has been my conviction – to think of Christ in moments where my neurosis would have me think of myself in all its various forms of misery or arrogance.

The Way God Works.

Today, I chased Eric’s car, “Just married!!!” pasted on the back window, down the street in my white bathrobe, pajamas and house shoes, and watched it crash into another car – all because I forgot to put the parking break on.

Yesterday, I cried for almost an hour by myself, and apologized to God for about 30 minutes because of how selfish I am and how unable I am to do anything, at least psychologically, about it immediately.

I cannot pretend to understand the Lord – the creator of heaven and earth – the sovereign God; the one who holds the earth in rotation, and somehow  - all at the same time – deals with me and everyone else.

It was a blessing. That sounds dumb, but as I ran down the street chasing after it, hair fluffy and flailing behind me – I knew, at that moment, I had to call him, and I needed his grace. 

He came, in 5 minutes – hugged me, called the insurance, talked to the guy whose car I hit. Then, walked over to me, asked me if I was ok, and with a smile said “I am not mad at you. I love you.”

BAM – ego punch, right in the gut. We laughed at the image of me running down the street, as if I could catch a 1 ton car. We laughed at how ridiculous the whole thing was and how nice the cops were. And I leaned on him for his wisdom and strength in handling the situation. Alleluia!

Because God is sovereign, because I have been praying, because we finally reconciled yesterday evening – I can only assume that this is how God works – a shove to work together – a shove into unity – in the most humorous and ridiculous way possible.

Finally, after the situation subsided, he sent me on my way to visit Rose and to eat lunch with Debby (I took my car, NOT A MANUAL! thank goodness), but I went – with peace.

This isn’t easy – this thing called marriage. I am faced with, so much more than ever before, my profound sinfulness. I am challenged to sacrifice, to consider him, to think about things in new ways, to be present – body and mind – consistently, to not take my anxiety out on him, to remember that he loves me and is on my side, to relinquish shame to the Lord for not being perfect – and to reach out, in sheer and utter vulnerability, when I am in my lowest and most sinful place, and touch him and love him.

Ah, so many more thoughts about shame – the sin and struggle that seems so elusive! So many more thoughts about God’s work in our lives through the body of Christ, through other people (the right people’s) input. Praise God for his gentleness in times of great pain and frustration. Praise God for his omnipotence and omnipresence and omniscience - that allows for him to deal with the problems of the world all at the same time, with the same force and energy – never sacrificing attention to one place to deal with another place. Praise the Lord for abiding love and for the voice calling “come.”

The Hardest Realization.

I might talk about this a lot, because it’s what I’m being faced with at this moment.

Selfishness is the main problem in the world.

There are so many forms of selfishness, and there are many words for it: self-absorption, narcissism, self-pity, etc.

Some ways this manifests itself:
1. Self-pity: wah, I’m so crappy. My life sucks. Everything is horrible. I’m horrible. No one likes me. Everyone thinks bad thoughts about me.

2. Self-burn-out or Control Freak: I must do everything because if I don’t, no one else will do it. The world around me will fall apart if I don’t do everything. And just to prove I’m right, occasionally I will not do something and watch to see how pathetically everyone else does it. I will also put myself into positions where I cause people to be inept by never letting them do anything challenging, just to show my superiority and experience.

3. Vanity:
This breaks down into 3 categories:
1. I am so gorgeous – and I look at myself all the time just to remind myself how beautiful I am. I feign modesty – act as if I put no effort into myself. Etc.
2. I am so ugly: constantly digging for compliments. Jealous if others are complimented. Envying other people’s bodies, clothes, hair, etc.
3. Non-existent body: I never look at myself because I don’t see myself as a body.

4. Fundamental Woundedness vs. Fundamental Selfishness (see Tim Keller):
IE: No one can understand your life experiences, and you are primarily self-centered, egotistical and self-pitying because you’ve been wounded, and that must be attended to before you can defer yourself to anyone else.

5. Disadvantaged:
If I don’t look out for myself, no one else will. My husband, my friends, my family will walk all over me. See they already do! See point 2.

6. Deflection:
AHH, but his selfishness is so much worse than mine. If he would just be selfless, I could be selfless.

These are all things with which I am being faced. See the post previous.

In Ephesians 5, Tim Keller suggests that the passage on marriage is set off by “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Paul assumes that the marriage passage is cradled within the expectation that a spirit-created selflessness is present, which allows for the following verses to work.

The word submit is so strong that it likens itself to military command, where a person in the military defers his will for the sake of the whole. SUBMIT, as in DEFER your will. BOTH OF YOU must defer – because you revere Christ. The Holy Spirit must dwell within you, drive out self-absorbed mentalities, and adjust each person’s affection toward the needs of the other.

Any emphasis on any other problem before mutual deferral, can, rather than assisting the marriage, actually encourage self-centeredness.

It is my job, before I point out Eric’s flaws (though I ought to encourage him with gentleness), to look at my own selfishness as the main problem – and take it to the Lord with prayer and habit-forming selflessness – challenging myself to think of him before myself.

This is the hardest realization – that I love myself so much more than anyone else, and all of my effort to serve are actually efforts to build a reputation for myself, to affirm my pride or vanity.

“Godly sorrow leads to repentance” not to self-pity.

The Death in Humility.

Surprise. Marriage is harder than I thought. (Not that anyone else is surprised.) I suppose, like in all of life, I think I’m above the difficulty every other human experiences. It reminds me that I am just like Eve, even if I think I would have chosen differently – even now, I choose the same.

Tim Keller is a harbor of great wisdom. All the voices of other strong relationships, surviving relationship, striving relationships – echo in my ears with some loud reverberation - SANCTIFICATION is something akin to pouring alcohol on an open wound and not blotting. Or maybe something closer to Gladiator, where the maggots eat out all the dead flesh on Maximus’ arm – it heals better that way, evidently.

I am a narcissist. I am self-absorbed, self-obsessed – full of vanity, envy and pride.

I want what I want over what Eric wants. I want it so bad, I am tempted to resort to pouting, crying, ignoring, frustrated huffs, and general distancing of self – also, withholding affection. 

Perhaps couples avoid these things by just choosing a mate who is either so passive that they agree with everything, OR – who is identical in desire to the other person, OR – who just live separate lives, in such a way that it doesn’t matter, they just do what they want regardless.

Alleluia that God has grabbed me back up – so much so that I am attempting to bookend my days with the Lord’s wisdom, with quiet contemplation and prayer. 

I feel humiliated. Am I really just like everyone else? Am I really just as selfish, just as arrogant, just as sinful? No, cannot be! I think, when they say the honeymoon phase has ended, what they mean is – the ego-kick is over. You are no longer impressed with the other person being attracted to you over others. Also, you are no longer impressed with your ability to win this person’s affections. At this point, all you want is for the person to mind you, read your mind, and revolve their life around your life – or at least barter with you for moments of revolving around each other. Today, you revolve around me, and tomorrow I will revolve around you. Sound good? No.

One flesh. I am not sure what that means. I’ve realized that I have a lot to learn, and ought to be slower to speak wisdom to others who are struggling. Rather, I ought to be empathetic and lift them up in prayer – for God to make us more self-less and more humble. 

I have tried to humble myself – to let my life revolve around Eric – for even 5 minutes, and my mind says NO! Psychology would say this is ludicrous – he must recognize my inherent potential! He must see how wonderful I am! He must stroke my ego, and he must submit himself to my wonderfulness! And then I go about proving to myself how wonderful I am – by cleaning, cooking, offering sex even when I’m tired and pissed off, making the bed, bringing lunch, working with him, ironing clothes, and reading my bible. SEE, MAN, I am so owed some revolving! 

Ew. 

Then I ignore his work. His inherent potential – his striving, his heart, his love, his needs, his immense talent, and his immense soul. He is my adversary. He is not giving me what I need and what I want. He is not on my side. 

This is all wrong. Why? Because I have given myself in marriage. Because the inherent self is broken, sinful, quick to anger, fast to speak, hurried into blame, judgmental, absorbed in one’s own interest – and my vow in marriage is a promise to be tender, loving, just, and to look out for the interest of my husband. Also, our collective interest does not just mean what ever makes me happy. My call as a Christian is to deny myself, to die to myself – to be humble – that is to be interested in others above myself – that is to hold my tongue. 

Phillipians 2: 1-11

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ

- if any comfort from his love -
- if any fellowship with the spirit -
- if any tenderness and compassion -

Then, make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in HUMILITY, consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but to the interest of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus -
who being in very nature GOD
did not see equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing
taking the very nature of a servant
being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man, 
He humbled himself
and became obedient unto death,
even death on a Cross. 

Therefore, God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name.
That at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow
in heaven and on earth, and under the earth.
And every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord
to the glory of God the Father.
 

This was the scripture of last night’s sermon on humility. Oh how far I have to go, how much I have to learn, how much discipline I need to become humble, gentle, joyful, – exhibiting the fruits of the spirit! 

 It is hard to place so much pressure on one other person to fulfill all of your needs – especially when humans are a large emptying vat – like a black hole – we whip around, buzz around people collecting affirmation, collecting adoration, collecting ego and esteem from whoever will give it to us, and then BAM we’re married, and this one person is expected to give us all of that – to feed our sin cravings, and if they don’t we cheat on them, or ignore them, or find something else pitiful. When the point, and the goal, and purpose of marriage, is, in part, to break our sin-cravings – to point them out, and drive them out. 

“present blameless, without spot, wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and pleasing.” -Ephesians 5 

Step one: selfishness is the root of all marital problems. 
Step two: Christ is cure for all selfishness, with humility.
Step three: rinse and repeat

That is what I am learning… 23 days later.

Off to read my Bible and pray, dear Lord, help me.

Waiting to Repose

In the night hours,
when black eats everything
and the chirping silence of
nature coos the last child to sleep,

i fear everything.

the aching wood beams above me,
your barely
breathing murmurs,
the faraway moments
of murdered Sudanese
And the girls of cambodia
raped in Thailand.

Slumbering death row inmates,
and the last conversation
with my dying friend,
tomorrows schedule,

and whether Jeremy will
hate Christians forever. because of us.

perhaps fear is overblown
narcissism,
that I could
at will, change everything
if the world revolved around me.