At the end

let us not say
fear reigned

but freedom.

 

These days will not last forever.

these days will not last forever.

you will not always have little curls yellow like summer hay bails and
bouncy.

or be missing all your teeth,

or spend 30 minutes in my lap
sitting in a tub of hot water
making faces,
watching our fingers wrinkle together like drying grapes in the sun
and peering at me to tickle you again.

You will not always
break timidly into the letter song

sound out your name without the h
or the r

find your belly button tucked neatly into a round
little belly filled with mostly pasta (no greens like your mama) or
look for mine (bu-button), quizzical, soft stretch marks where you began.

you will not always lean into kiss me with a 1/2 open baby bird mouth and
wrap your arms, like a slinky, around my neck,
waiting for the goodnight song, rest your head on my shoulder
say ni ni.
or cry for that. ask for wa wa, tuck the blanket tight around your face and close your eyes.

these days will not last forever.

Work life.

Shalom is a butchered word. But it’s one of my favorites.

While most people use it to say, “hello, peace to you.” The word is actually way more multi-dimensional than just peace as we know it.

For Shalom. Christianity appeals to me because of the hope is brings by ushering in Shalom. Shalom – the remaking of the world. The justice for the starving, raped, murdered, lost, confused and utterly marginalized people. It is the hope for the city – remaking of all those “bad neighborhoods” and the places where no one wants to live or drive because the people are too scary or too needy to be of any use. It is the hope for reconciliation between people groups that have slaughtered each other either in word or deed.

Shalom is what keeps me focused when I feel discouraged. It is what keeps me humble when I feel the haughty spirit of “success” leaping out of me and smirking. It is what directs me toward others when that pang of envy pulls the wind out of my chest. It is what reminds me to rejoice in other’s successes and mourn when people are broken. It is what redirects me when I don’t feel like helping someone else succeed. It’s is what keeps me aware and what flashes before me when I lose focus. It’s what remind me that I do not stand alone. I have been helped, molded, remade, taught, instructed, exhorted, given benefits, given gifts, been given grace… abundantly. I stand on the shoulders of those who have come before me.

It’s why I work hard. It’s why I work, period.

I have never met a completely evil or completely good person. Though, we do have evidence to suggest that these people exist – ie. Mother Teresa (good), Hitler (evil). Most people, I find, fall somewhere on the spectrum and everyone I know has totally redeemable qualities. I say this, because when I feel like I am either all bad for being rude, snide, easily flustered, jealous, envious or just flat out ugly about something… I remember that, at the same time, I love, give of myself, cherish life, want good things for people, and earnestly try to do what’s helpful, true and good even if it’s not always to my advantage.

Work is hard. Working for the good of others, even harder. But we must… it is looking at someone and speaking, wishing them Shalom.

 

 

Light a candle

Light a candle. All the dishes are done.
All the books are stacked.
underwear, socks, 12 pairs of dark denim

and every single shoe
is put away.

take a bath,
shave your legs
drink a shivering cold beer.
find the honeymoon perfume
and put it to good use.

draw up
the unkempt hair into a
messy wet bun.

Relish. everything.

light a candle. life is born
every menial task
every spec of dust
all the wander lust
all of the cluttered living receipts

all those
empty baby bottles (clean) by the sink. say

I love you.

I love you, too.

The things I hold

You know, the world can break you. Time passes, and pieces of yourself get lost in the shuffle of stupid choices, crushed hopes, disappointment, people who hurt you, you hurting yourself.

We spent our first year of marriage in utter insanity. I mean, I found out how seriously selfish I am. I found out how unlike me I was… how truly lost life can make you, and how you bring all of that into marriage. I thank many people for clinging to us, lifting us up in prayer, crowding around us and supporting us. But a huge part of what granted us peace over that year and the 2nd year (with baby coming) was our church and its pastors.

Greg did our pre-marriage counseling. And to his great credit, he followed us through year 1 and two with great gentleness and kindness. So days, when I feel like I might be crazy or I struggle to trust myself and I feel that slip of doubt – I speak to my soul. and remind myself that the people I trust have told me good things – and I let the truth speak louder than the ugly accusations of my own doubt.

Flylady Day 1

I have never been good at following any kind of regimen for an extended period of time. The pill, proactiv, exercise routines, hair treatments, whatevs… can’t do it. It gets too boring. I get things done, but regimens are definitely not my thing. Alas, as I begin to watch my house crumble into utter despair from lack of consistent tending (work, I doth love and loathe thee!), it occurred to me to seek help elsewhere.

{Enter High Heeled House wife, via my awesomely organized and newly married friend}

Proceed directly to housecleaning section of my newest blog friend, and find Flylady. Yes, odd name, I know. Haven’t fully perused the site yet, but I did find steps to a clean house. Daily. 31 days… so here I go.

Day 1 – Shiny Sink.

Not gunna lie… it totally makes me happy to have a shiny sink.

1000 Times

Today, I kissed you a thousand times.

It seems a lot really, but you have such a cute nose.

After the nausea subsided
before the ankles swelled up like
the puffing of a long balloon at the lips of a clown,
I thought of parenthood as the
on-going failure
of mankind to remedy
all the brokenness that came before it.

But, now,
As you gnaw on my tooth brush, colgate and blue, those angry molars pushing – we dance to country music,
your little curls tangled in my fingers
your head resting, softly on my chest
your tight little grasp clinging to my shirt
those strong, brown eyes blinking, heavy for sleep…I see

that, parenthood is like shalom,

the greatest, the strongest redemption.

The Golden Rule: How do we do it?

I love my job. Well, love is a strong word – but what I mean to say is that I enjoy it a lot.

My job is the Managing Editor for a local wedding magazine. I have other jobs, too, but this one is the job for which I am hired by someone other than Ek – it’s more full time.

It is one of the best and hardest jobs, and it’s caused me to revisit what my primary beliefs are about life, humanity, others, myself, work, what comes after death (if anything) and how I work all of these things out presently.

Really? Your job makes you do all of that?!

You see, my husband is a photographer. His business is what pays the bills. We rely on his income to live. It’s a strange thing to connect – living and working. But it’s always been the case that work, either tilling the fields to barter food for some other good, or selling crop, clothes, animals, whatever – has always generated a way to eat, clothe yourself and house yourself and also to provide hospitality to others.

My job, and I know this, requires me to be objective, to consider everyone – to not think primarily of myself, Eric, our business, but to consider the whole industry here and what it needs and what would cause it to grow.

The golden rule sounds trite most of the time: “Do unto other as you would have them do unto you.”

But it’s a pretty crazy thing. It requires me to consider – “What would I want done to me? What is my preference? What would bring joy to myself, comfort, love, hope?”

OK – do that for other people.

Not easy, right? Do I really, always, want to care for other people as much as I do for myself? Do I want to give them all the benefits? Do I want to overlook flaws? Do I want to be kind and generous?

“So whatever you wish others would do, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Enter by the narrow gate.”

Enter by the narrow gate. You know that verse is always it’s own thing – reminding us that the way to “heaven” is hard and few manage to figure it out. But, I find it interesting that it comes right after the passage on the golden rule.

It speaks of destruction and the ease of it, and the narrow gate and how hard it is to find and walk through.  If I know anything about myself, harder than believe in Jesus, is considering others and doing to them what I want done to me.

That’s what I am thinking about this morning….

Enter by the narrow gate. Whatever you want done to you… do that for others.

How do you do it?!

Integration – Silly, Shallow, Serious.

I love therapy. To me, it’s the totally logical and rational way to handle our confusing lives as individuals and communities. But, I’ve had positive experiences with therapy. Also, I feel like therapists are able to be objective, to take information from people, synthesize it and offer unbiased responses to problems – all based on some level of education on varying subjects.

I just read a great post on personality types. I am an ENTJ.

Extroverted
Intuition
Thinking
Judging

Not always good at sensing other people’s feelings or acting out of emotion. Recently, on a project, I totally obliterated a person’s feelings in favor of reason and fact. I’m realizing how blind, daft and ignorant I was in my behavior. It was, in part, brought to my attention, with great gentleness from my boss, but… I just blinked and could NOT COMPUTE!  Isn’t that strange?

I feel like, in my life, it’s always been a mix of types. When I started this blog, I remember meeting someone who read it and said “Lora, you’re so serious when you write but so congenial in person.”

I think, being a people pleaser sometimes, I like to match whoever I’m with, and if I can figure that out… I tend toward silly, shallow or serious.

I haven’t had time, or I haven’t made much time for reflection lately. I haven’t really read my bible or studied anything in depth – though I just picked up “Surprised by Hope” and I could cry over how beautiful the words are about life and death and how to think redemptively and with a mindset geared toward resurrection. It reminds me of who I am and what I should be doing.

But. In all this lack of time, this lack of intention, I can feel myself fraying a bit on the ends.

I’ve been mediating on these two bits of manna:

-A good work started will be finished by he who started it. God does not lack follow through.

-All nourishment, all water, all beauty, all strength, all care that is available to the Vine is also available to the branches. In fact, the vine exists, in part, to nourish and promote growth in the branches.

Also, because logic is so important to me – the perceived silliness, the perceived illogical way of faith – makes me embarrassed sometimes. But, honestly, I would be more embarrassed to think differently. In my period of searching, trying to understand belief, philosophy religions – what motivates – what variables are there available – The idea of believing anything else makes me queasy.. actually feel grieved.

So there we are: Silly, Shallow, Serious. Integration.

 

 

A day of Humanity.

Yesterday was mostly beautiful. I spent the morning with my in-laws, gobbling down a breakfast of sweet rolls, sausage, eggs and coffee. The kids had two things of orange juice each and Henry, my sweet baby, followed the big kids around like a lost little pup. We have a good family.

After breakfast, Danielle and I went to the Boarshead and got a 90 minute massage. Can I just say…. do it? Save your pennies and book yourself a massage. Go early, enjoy them steam room – have a spot of tea, get a massage, take a long freaking shower, shave your legs, wash your hair, put on lotion, brush your teeth, do it all… it’s worth it.

Then we went to look at upholstery for two sofas for our new studio. We had an engagement session rescheduled and two other shoots for next week rescheduled. Then, it happened. I got a text message… a client was waiting for me at the studio. In the confusion, I totally forgot my appointment. And I was already 30 minutes late.

These days are full of baby, magazine, studio, ek photo, make-up artistry, para coffee, marriage and Weddings… weddings.. WEDDINGs.. weddings. My mind… is a blur of life.

So, I call.. I apologize. It turns out my make-up stuff is in EK’s car and he’s 30 minutes away. I walk into my house to change and somewhere laid down the key. Can’t find it. Now, I’m 45 minutes late. It’s raining. My hair is a mess of bird twigs and moss.

I get there. I do the make-up. I walk out… and wam, I realize… I have no money to get out of the parking area. I have to call Brandon.. again.. to borrow money.

Now, this whole scene is so embarrassing to me. My humanity, my fallibility, my dysfunction… embarrassing. And I thanked God for weakness.

It is so easy, amidst faux Type-A meanderings, for arrogance, pride, and haughtiness to lurk in the corners… and sneak its way into my mind and bite the deep grace that God has given. I forget. (I want to). That I am a sinner saved.